This post has a lot of dark material in it. I'm doing fine but I need to vent.
This week has been a pretty funny week. Not ha ha funny, but more strange funny as I continue to work towards my fitness goals. What made it funny is the mixed signals I give myself. This entire week there's been a cloud hanging over me. A cloud of fat. I avoid the scale as much as possible because I don't want that number to dictate my progress. The last thing I need is every day being validated by a number on a scale. That being said, the results of last week's weigh in was disappointing to me. I seem to be stuck in a three hundred and ten pound rut. I keep things positive for my sake on a daily basis but sometimes I really get down on myself. Tonight especially. So I'm going to write about the war zone that is my brain.
I know progress is being made. I look forward to Wednesday's weigh in because with it is the bi-weekly measurements. With that I can put to bed some of the things revolving in my head. I'm running at a pace that is faster than any time I've ever recorded in my entire life. I haven't officially timed myself yet but from rough estimates I'm pushing about a 12-14 minute mile. I'm progressing at work through feelings of confidence. I write everything I can think of on this blog, spilling my heart out sometimes, but no matter how much I write I can't shake this feeling of ultimate failure. I'm not there yet. I'm not done. Truly I'm at about the halfway point. Then come the thoughts and feelings. I'm tired of reevaluating steps again and again. There's work to be done. I feel like I'm at the base of a mountain looking up and even though I've come so far I turn around and see the start line twenty feet down.
When I get to the scale, a piece of me dies a little when I calculate the hard work I'm putting in, on the fitness level and the nutrition level, and the scale tells me it goes towards nothing. That, in all honesty, validates those negative thoughts on a subconscious level. Fears trickle down my neural pathways like water and seep into my heart that I will never complete my goals. I have so many plans. So many ambitions that start with a slimmer me. I start to buy into the concept that no matter where I finish, I will never be happy. I'll have loose skin. I'll be forever rejected. I'll somehow mess this up and bounce all the way back to my heavy hey days. I always seem to mess things up that are going well.
I walk around with this weight in my head and sometimes I feel it in my knees. Stress ebbs and flows as I counter the good with the bad. It's a constant battle of good versus evil. Even with the upper hand it's phenomenal to see something good be used against you by your own mind. Measurements went down! Great! Except that it was probably a fluke. I measured in a different area or too tightly. Then the next period of time is spent in wonder/dread of the next results. It's easy to excuse a big meal on a bad day with the promise of a better tomorrow. I fear that every day is today and tomorrow won't ever come. Living in the moment has it's pitfalls. So many things pop up in my head that I wrestle with. Sometimes daily. To me, I have not changed a single bit since I've started this. I know this is a lie, but having to see myself every day I don't see the small changes as the time progresses. Last week I felt like my face was getting fat again. Instantly every step of progress I've made is erased. A freshly laundered shirt is a little snug and I feel the swell around the eyes as I fight the fear of all the scenarios involving plus poundage plopping on my frame. I'm normally good at fighting back these feelings and thoughts. I've conditioned myself to positively reinforce my thought process when I get to dwelling on something negative.
This week was funny though. I don't know exactly what stimulated it but I have allowed myself to fall back into the black hole of negativity. Today I found myself pining. The feeling of being alone drowned all rational thoughts. With that came a million reasons why I'll never improve myself. Missteps. Opportunities. I don't deserve to feel better because I've done nothing to resolve my current situation. Those ticks burrowed deep beneath the skin and throughout the day sapped me of my peace.
I turn to writing because it allows me to see what I'm thinking for myself. I get perspective. In no way am I in trouble or in over my head, I just need to get this off my chest. My brain shoots off a million processes a minute and if I don't take a step back to understand what the general aura is then I'm never going to be able to progress from that standpoint. I've learned that it's harder to make changes when you've never admitted anything is wrong. Especially on days like this. The old me would have hung up the boots and given in to the thoughts plaguing me recently. I'm sure that my writing is a little more erratic than normal. That's me just gushing everything out that is effecting me. I think I'll print this post out and hang it up. This way I can review this on my good and bad days. I know I've come miles from where I started. There is an uphill battle yet to be fought. As long as I understand what I'm feeling then I can overcome the roadblocks that I put up for myself. I think tomorrow will be New Years for me. I'm going to go over my goals and cover the areas I'm trying specifically to achieve. I think I can sleep in peace now as my mind is slowing down to a brisk pace from a raging race. I'll leave you all with a quote that I read recently from a very wise person that always helps me on the bad days.
Weight Loss Isn't Easy. I didn't gain all of my weight in a month so therefore I shouldn't expect to lose it that quickly either. The best approach is through research, understanding, trial and error, patience, persistence and most importantly PLENTY OF TIME. Through this method I will attempt to make weight loss make sense and- dare I say- FUN! Welcome to my blog! Journey with me through my eyes as I muse, think-out-loud, and educate myself- and hopefully others- on the best ways to lose weight and be healthy!
Author of the blog Journey to the Center of Myself. (Stolen from the front page.)
Until the next episode!