A thought occurred to me the other night. Actually it was a sudden revelation that occurred to me Monday night. I need to work on my social skills. I am starting to be able to see some results of my altered lifestyle, and I'm feeling better about myself, but I'm still battling with my self image in the public eye. I've always been a shy guy when it comes to meeting strangers. I am also a pretty weak conversationalist. If you know me then you know that in the right environment with the right people I am an entertainer and social butterfly. If I'm in a new environment with a lot of people I don't know, I often need to adjust to my surroundings before I try to open up. I've realized that over the last five years I've slowly shied away from social interaction with new people in general. The only exception is if it's a group of people I'm familiar with, with a few new people added in. Recently I don't even try to talk to people anymore.
I looked back a little further and I saw a history of the same behaviors. We'll go to a new place and I'll end up just standing in one spot, hands in my pockets and zoning out, while Chris moves around and talks to people and has fun. We'll go out to karaoke and people will talk to us but I just stand back a little and let the others converse while I smile at times and nod. After I sing a song people are usually surprised at how how well I did and I'll talk to them on the way back to my seat with just a few words here and there. I know that a part of me dreads the soon approaching awkward silence that occurs after I get past the initial introductions, but there's a part of me that just isn't happy with how I feel about myself. My weight was a focal point of ridicule in my early adulthood. Recently I've felt like I didn't belong in the places I was at because I'm so odd looking. I know I dress weird/unique, I mean more of my size. As I slim down I need to stop thinking like I'm a big person or that I am an outcast. Even if I wasn't slimming down, I've gotta give myself a little credit for being the person I am. Regardless, losing weight is just as much of a mental battle as it is a physical.
I researched a little about people not being able to communicate well in groups or in conversations and each of the articles/guides urged the reader to value themselves. If you don't find yourself interesting then how can anyone else? I sat and thought off of the top of my head what I knew about myself that was interesting. Surprisingly I couldn't think of anything. Since then I have come up with a few things but I now know what's going on with me. My mindset has always been logical. I know everything there is to know about me, so I assume that it is common knowledge. Since I think that everyone knows everything about me and nobody asks me about it, I assume that it's because I am not interesting. It's very backwards thinking, I know. I assume things I see and do on a daily basis happens to everyone so there's no need to talk about it. Then I think of me as a person from a looks perspective. I am still looking at me as someone undesirable. My conditioning still echoes in the back of my brain that because I look the way I do that people will always discount me for being less that what I am. I've got so much going for me and I've gotta be confident in myself. I'm going to take some time and reflect on who I am. Where have I been? How have I gotten to this point? What about me is interesting? When I can answer these questions I think I will be able to communicate better with others. To aid with that, I'm going to create Frankbox challenges to push my social capabilities. This is a journey body, mind, and soul. It looks like things just got a little more interesting.
The progress doesn't end there. I started out moving on the elliptical at 3 mph. I walked for 30 minutes and got a mile and a half. I stepped it up to 45 minutes the next time and managed 3.25 miles. I started jogging and managed 3.75 two days after that. Saturday I did a 12:45 mile on the elliptical. While I walk on the streets I pick up the pace and push myself to trim times down here and there. I've noticed that my clothes are starting to give me slack too! It's small things at this point, but I see the goal line and it's not as far away as it was 2 weeks ago.
I've also began to lead a more active lifestyle. I'm getting into sports. Having fun with losing weight. Chris and I went last night to a dodgeball game. We were going to play but because Chris had to stay over at work an hour we didn't make it in time. We found out though that registration has begun for the summer dodgeball league. DONE! We're also looking at kickball leagues as well. Yesterday morning we woke up and played tennis. Chris was trained and knows how to play; me on the other hand... Lets just say it wasn't so much playing tennis as much as it was me trying to not hit the ball out of the court each time while Chris chased after my directionless volleys. I've also started picking up basketball at the gym. Playing HORSE and Around the World. So there's other options than just staring at a display while walking/jogging/running on an elliptical to get my cardio in. I will say though that I don't dread going to the gym like I used to. I actually feel better leaving each time!
I've pretty well mastered the calorie game too! Last week only once did I top 2,000 calories in a day. Even then it was on a day where I did 45 minutes of cardio along with 20-25 minutes of weight lifting. My average caloric intake is about 1,600 calories a day. Twice last week I finished with a negative net calories because I burned more calories than I took in. I have almost complete control when I eat now. So if I'm feeling hungry after I finish I grab water and tell myself I'm full. Within 15 minutes the hunger has passed. I learned that it takes up to 20 minutes for the stomach to communicate with the brain that you're full. Rather than mindlessly eating until I'm full I use that knowledge, eliminate distractions beyond casual conversation, and take in what I'm eating at a much slower pace.
Lastly, I weighed myself on Sunday and I was surprised by the results. I lost 2 pounds! I'm not going to lie, I was surprised because it was just two pounds. I set the bar at 2 pounds a week and I hit that goal, but with the efforts I'm making I felt that I should have lost more. This was an initial reaction. A few things I think led to these results.
- I'm not doing good enough
- I eat too much
- Genetics make me this way
- I'm never going to lose this weight
*Look to see a post soon about metabolism. That is the next subject I'd like to tackle. I've heard a lot about "Starvation Mode" and I'd like to get to the bottom of it and find out how it affects me. That's all for today! I hope to post more soon! Thank you for reading!